Friday, January 05, 2007

What They Don’t Tell You on Those TV Shows

  1. No matter what it says on the label, nor what assurances the salesman gives you, Wal-Mart paint will not cover it in one coat.

  2. There are a lot of really cool painting tools. Most of them do not work as described.

  3. Taping around the windows and floors is not as easy as it looks. If your tape is too far from the edges, paint will seep under and around and you’ll have a color stripe where you don’t want it. If your tape is too close to the edges, the paint that slops over onto the tape will dry and seal tighter than epoxy and will take off everything down to the wall board when you remove it.

  4. Yes, you do need a drop cloth. No matter how fast you move your roller from the tray to the wall, it WILL drip. Newton’s Law of Physics as it applies to painting: The more expensive your carpet, the more the paint will drip.

  5. Yes, you do need to wear icky clothing that you don’t care about. Including socks.

  6. Always wash the paint off your hands BEFORE going to the bathroom.

  7. Watch for paint drips on your wall and smooth them with your roller. No, they will not flatten as they dry. Neither do dead spiders. Nor dust bunnies.

  8. Buy your paint the day you plan to do the job. If you buy your paint in August and don’t use it until January, take it back to the store and have them shake it for you. No matter how many muscles you have, you are not strong enough to mix the paint and oil back together once it has separated.

  9. Clean up your rollers and brushes immediately after you’re done. Don’t wait. You’ll get distracted and forget about them, and then when you see them 24 hours later all stuck together in some nuveau modern art clump, you’ll rush over and try to save them. Bad decision. The outfit you’re wearing when you do this cost much more than your paint roller. Just wrap them all up in the drop cloth and THROW THEM AWAY!

  10. The easiest way to paint baseboards is to rip up your carpet, paint, replace the carpet. Seriously.

  11. You will never find all the fixture screws when you are done. Just go ahead and buy extra ones when you’re getting your paint.

  12. That warm fuzzy feeling you get when you stand back and view your completed job and say, “I did that all by myself” is HIGHLY overrated. Next time, I’m going to try the warmer and much fuzzier feeling you get when you say, “I paid for someone else to do this for me.”


Marsha Ward said...

You really should give warning when a post is so funny that it is likely to cause someone to spray some hard-to-clean-up liquid onto their monitor and/or keyboard.

From their nose.

KB said...

Thanks, Marsha. You made my day. My lifelong dream has been to make people spurt liquid through their noses. I can now die happy and fulfilled.

Marsha Ward said...

Thank nothing of it. My pleasure. No, wait. It hurt.

McKenna Gordon said...

I've been painting too - here's another tip... number 13 if you will... if you're going to use the same color within a month or two, just put the rollers/paintbrushes into ziplock baggies and freeze them. WHen you're ready to paint again, pull them out of the freezer and they defrost perfectly within about 20 minutes. Voila - only had to clean once and ready to go again!