Friday, March 30, 2007

The True Story of The Frog's Demise

The following story will make absolutely no sense at all unless you read this first.

The evening began with Julie wining and dining the Frog with his favorite repast, applying all her feminine wiles to win him over. As he was slipping into a fried fly coma, Julie forces a pen into his flippered right hand (the Frog’s left hand holding a cookie he was about to eat) and gently coerces him to sign a contract binding him for the next 27 years as her exclusive book cover model.

Before the ink had time to dry, Sariah bursts through the door in a fit of hormonal outrage. She had run all the way to the Frog’s lily pad in an attempt to prevent Julie from winning the Frog’s attentions, but having had to stop several times to relieve sudden bouts of morning sickness, she discovers she is only moments too late.

Sariah tries to grab the contract, intending to rip it to shreds, but Julie is too fast for her. Sariah grabs the candlestick from the dining table, and swings it at Julie’s head. Julie ducks and Sariah accidentally hits the Frog instead. Sariah drops the candlestick in shock and flees the lily pad, thinking she has killed the Frog. However, since she was weakened and dehydrated from the morning sickness, she has not actually killed him, but merely knocked him unconscious.

Julie watches the fleeing Sariah in shock, stunned into motionless silence, because she too believes the Frog is dead. Then she runs into the other room in tears.

At exactly this moment, Rob enters the lily pad, planning to rob the Frog. He stumbles across the Frog’s body and falls beside him on the floor, knocking his head against the table on his way down. Now there are two unconscious bodies lying on the floor.

At this point, Stephanie enters the room with a carving knife, planning to get that chocolate chip cookie recipe from the Frog or else. She sees Rob lying there on the floor beside the Frog and decides Fortune has intervened in her behalf and she can exact revenge upon Rob for all the snide comments he’s made about her over the past months, which has caused her untold emotional misery. She rushes forward to plunge the knife into Rob’s unprotected and evil heart. Right as her arm is coming down, Rob moans and moves slightly, knocking Stephanie off balance and she accidentally stabs the Frog instead. She tries to grab the cookie from Frog’s hand, but it breaks in half. She reaches out to pry the other half from the Frog’s grasp, but hears a noise outside the lily pad door. She takes the half cookie she already has and runs out the back door, leaving the knife behind her. She feels a little guilty because she mistakenly thinks that she has killed the Frog (in actuality, she missed all vital organs), but at least she has the cookie and can send it to a lab to retro-figure the recipe.

The noise from outside gets louder and louder until a huge behemoth crashes through the door. It’s a monster from Jeff Savage’s novel. The Frog rejected Jeff’s last novel idea and Jeff is consumed with the mad desire for revenge. In his research, Jeff discovered the black art of character animation that allows him to bring his characters to life and to control them for his own dastardly purposes. The best parts about Jeff’s plan are that he can claim ignorance (“Geez, officer, I had no idea my dark fantasies could be brought to life and unleashed upon the innocent and unsuspecting world…”) and he doesn’t have to get his hands dirty.

The monster, who has claws big enough to rip the Frog into itsy bitsy pieces, instead chooses to hang him by a rope. Why, we will never know because Julie, who was still in the back bedroom trying to calm her nerves, hears the monster noises and comes to investigate. She watches as if in a trance as the monster loops the noose around the poor Frog’s neck and hoists him up to hang from the chandelier. The Frog’s body swings pendulously, as Jeff’s monster laughs with wicked glee.

Shaken back into conscious awareness by the frantic twitching of the Frog’s body, Julie realizes the Frog may still be alive. She grabs a rapid-fire, semi-automatic 357 magnum pistol with pink pearl handgrip from a thigh holster hidden under her skirt and starts shooting hysterically. First she aims at the monster, firing 16 shots in quick succession. She misses every time, but the ricocheting bullets convince the monster to flee out the back door, following Stephanie’s cookie-scented trail.

Julie, gun still in hand, rushes to cut the Frog down, only to discover that several of her bullets had hit her beloved amphibian. She lowers his delicate body gently to the ground. Through tear-stained eyes, she notices Rob still on the floor. This is all his fault. He was the one who told Sariah what Julie was up to in the first place! She has one bullet left. Does she use it on herself, broken-hearted as she is, or on Rob? Anger wins out and she shoots Rob in the kneecap, then rushes out the front door.

The now conscious Rob is screeching and wailing in agony, rolling on the floor holding his bleeding kneecap. After many long and very loud minutes, he drags himself to his feet. He looks down at the Frog, kicks his nearly lifeless body, and limps out the door.

Silence descends. The camera focuses on the Frog lying on the floor. He has a large quickly purpling bruise developing on his abdomen from Rob’s kick. His head is bleeding from Sariah’s blow with the candlestick. He is bleeding from Stephanie’s stab wound located between his two lowest ribs on the right side. His neck is black and swollen from the near fatal hanging by Jeff’s monster. He has several gun shot wounds, all of which are bleeding profusely. And yet, our fearless amphibian still breathes. He still clings to life. He still has a chance…

A black-gloved hand reaches out to cover his mouth. The Frog’s eyes open for a moment, then close forever. As the scene goes dark, we hear a woman’s voice laughing the words, “Serves you right, you stupid frog. With friends like these, you never had a ghost of a chance!”

Now playing on my iPod: Joy to the World by Three Dog Night

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dandruff the Size of Texas

I have never really had a problem with dandruff. Even when I moved from Kentucky (90% humidity) to the middle of the desert (10% humidity), I only had a few days of mild flakes while my skin adjusted.

Until recently.

All of a sudden I have these big (huge) flakes that look like my scalp is peeling off. It's gross. It's embarassing. Especially when I'd think I had it all combed out, then go out to a business meeting, go to the restroom halfway through and see a dandruff flake the size of Texas sitting right on top of my head.

What to do? I have an issue with most shampoos. They either make my head itch or the smell is so strong that it gives me a really bad headache. I didn't think my chances were good of finding a medicated dandruff shampoo that I could tolerate.

I was wrong. Head & Shoulders Intensive Solutions is a miracle. It cleared up the dandruff in two days. Haven't had any at all since I started using it. The fragrance is mild enough that it doesn't give me a headache. And it's gentle on my hair, leaving it soft and manageable.

I very much recommend it.

Get a free trial size here.

Get a $2 off coupon here.

Now playing on my iPod: Hair from the musical Hair

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Win Free Books!

I just discovered this cool website where you can win free books. It's called The Great American Book Giveaway.

I know nothing about it other than what is found on their website and that it is recommended by a source I have come to trust and respect.

I entered to win the Obama book today. If you decide to try it out, please enter to win one of the other books so that my chances to win this one will not be reduced.

And if you do win, come back here and let me know so that I can be appropriately envious.

Now playing on my iPod: Paperback Writer by The Beatles

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Five Pounds Closer to Healthy

I've worn the same skirt to church two Sundays in a row. I've done this partly because it's that time of year when your summer clothes are still packed away but all your winter clothes are too heavy, so all you have to wear is that one outfit you left in the closet just in case global warming suddenly got out of control and you had an unnaturally warm day in the middle of winter.

The other reason is because I banged my pinkie toe 12 days ago on a box of junk that was sitting in the middle of the 9 inch wide path between my office and the shipping area. It really hurt but I didn't think much about it--until the next morning when my whole foot started swelling up and turned this really deep dark purple, the kind of purple that almost looks black. So I've spent the past 10 days wearing an ace bandage and a medical boot. This looks funny. Ergo, I wear my one and only long skirt to church to cover it up.

But that's not what this blog is about.

Somehow, between last Sunday and this one, my skirt grew. And not just a little bit. It was sliding off my waist. Low enough that my underwear showed over the top. (Boy, was that embarrassing because I didn't notice it until CHURCH WAS OVER.)

So when I got home, I stepped on the scales. I don't weigh myself very often because I really don't care how many pounds I am. All I care about is can I wear my favorite pair of jeans and breathe at the same time. And that is what this blog is about. I am 5 pounds healthier than the last time I weighed.

How the heck did that happen?

It must be that picture of a healthy body I put on my vision board.

Now playing on my super skinny iPod: Igor Gruppman and the MoTabs (Greatest Hits)

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Signature Scents for Grey's Anatomy

I couldn't sleep last night so just for fun, I decided to take the Urban Botanic personality test as if I were the characters on Grey's Anatomy. Then, once I knew their fragrance family, I made a signature scent just for them. This was so much fun.

Each of the women on Grey's have a different scent personality. Some of them, like Izzie and Addison, are classic examples of their fragrance families. Others, like Meredith and Cristina, have a mix of families, but are definitely dominant in one over the others.

Go to my UB blog and read through the posts on each character and let me know if you agree. (Label: celebrities)

Now playing on my iPod: How to Save a Life by The Frey

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Car Slave!

After seven long and tortuous months of waiting, Megan has her drivers license! Freedom for her. A car slave for me.

We showed up at the DMV 15 minutes before it opened and there was already a line. Exactly one hour later, we walked out with license in hand. Worth every second of waiting in those uncomfortable metal chairs.

Megan drove herself to and from school, to and from lacrosse practice, to and from her radio show, and just for good measure, I made her go to Wal-Mart to get Nouggies for me.

Now playing on my totally-awesome-I'll-post-a-picture-of-it-as-soon-as-I-can-find- my-camera-hookup iPod: Fun, Fun, Fun by the Beach Boys.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Thanks Mrs. Thompson!

I've been letting my hair grow out. I haven't had a haircut since July 2006. I'd like to say that it's part of my master plan, but the truth is that I've been too busy watching TV and annoying my husband to go get a haircut. And after 8 months, it seems a shame to break this unintended growth trend. Plus my girls have been bugging me for years to let my hair grow out. So grow, hair, grow.

I'm a tucker. I tuck my hair behind my ears. I part my hair on the side. I've been doing that since 1979. The trouble with being a side-parting hair-tucker who is letting her hair grow out is that my bangs are always flopping down in my face. It's driving me crazy. But I refuse to crumble under the pressure because my shortest hair layer is only a 1/2 inch away from being tuckable.

This morning as I was combing out my hair, I was struck by one of those blinding moments of total brilliance. If I parted my hair in the middle, that hunk of hair that is bugging me right now would tuck snugly behind my other ear!

I always knew high school geometry would come in handy in my real life some day.

Now Playing on my iPod: Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffet

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Aspheric Lenses

I have an eye disease which has pretty much grounded me after dark. My eyes won't adjust fast enough to keep up with the speed of the car. Driving on the freeway after dark has become the most terrifying experience of my life--so I don't do it anymore. Even riding with people after dark is a lesson in terror. I have no depth perception in the dark, so it looks like we're about to hit the car next to us when we're really several feet away.

This condition is really a pain because in the winter, it means I can't go anywhere after 5:00 p.m. without a driver. So I'm really excited that the time changed last weekend--earlier than usual. I get to stay out a whole hour longer. Yippee!

Anyway, because of this eye condition, I have to go to the opthamologist more frequently than the average bear. I went yesterday and found out about something new--aspheric lenses. They supposedly make for a crisper image and help you see better in the dark. My doctor says it makes a huge difference for some people, just a little difference for others and there's no way of knowing how much it will help you without trying them.

So I ordered some new lenses and they'll be here in a week or so. I'm really excited to try them. Even if it only helps a little bit, it might allow me to drive in my neighborhood after dark, or go to the grocery store. I'll let you know how they work for me.

Now Playing on my Beloved iPod: I Can See Clearly Now by Johnny Nash

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


Stole this from Tristi Pinkston's blog.

Take a look at this list and see which ones you've read. Then, if you're a blogger, post it on your blog. Here's what you do:

* Bold the ones you’ve read
* Italicize the ones you want to read
* Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in
* Highlight those you haven't heard of (green)
* Put a couple of astericks by the ones you recommend. (Rule added by Framed and Booked - I like it!)

1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) **
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) **
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)*
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)*
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)*
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)**
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown) ** (better than DaVinci Code)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)**
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)**
17. Fall On Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King) (this one is too explicit, but I was fascinated by the good vs evil. Wish there were a Readers Digest version)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)**
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)**
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)**
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbertz) **one of my all-time favorites (but this does not apply to the entire series)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley) (sex caution)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett) (I read the Reader's Digest Condensed version. The real one has way too much sex for my comfort)
37. The Power of One(Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel) (sex caution)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy) (I just don't get why this book is so many people's favorite book!)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) (I've tried to read this and just can't get into it)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card) ** (an all-time favorite, but contains violence and swearing)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)**
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid's Tale (Margaret Atwood)*
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)*
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) (this was the stupidest book I've ever read. I kept waiting for a point to the story and I never found one. Maybe I'm just too shallow?)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo) ** Loved this
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)**
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)** one of my favs
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving) (sex caution)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte's Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)**
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams) (tried to read a zillion times and just can't)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)**** LOVE this book!!!!!
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)**
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)