I've figured out what my problem is: cognitive dissonance; in my case, the internal stress created by the way I think my life should be and the way it actually is.
My perfect day:
6:00 a.m. — Wake up; exercise; scripture study; personal hygiene; sit on my front porch and think a bit.
8:00 a.m. — Start writing; blogging first to meet my commitments, then concentrating on my WIP.
11:30 a.m. — Lunch & laundry break
12:00 p.m. —Work in my other hopefully income producing businesses: publishing, editing, typesetting, UB
4:00 p.m. —Family, clean, dinner, etc.
6:00 p.m. —Play UB party or read or sit on my front porch and think a bit more.
10:00 p.m. —Go to bed
My problem is, I actually believe that some day I will have this perfect day. Then, if I can have it once, I should be able to have it every day.
The way cognitive dissonance works is the greater the distance between the ideal and reality, the greater the stress. The only cure for cognitive dissonance is to either change your beliefs or change your behaviors. The trouble is, I have one belief system that says to hold on to your dreams and keep trying and eventually you'll succeed and another belief system that says to quit trying to manage everything and just accept life on life's terms. Another dissonant cogtate.
Can I just say that on a scale from 1-10, my cognitive dissonance stress is 23?
But as I was whining about this in my journal this morning, I realized something. It is the discomfort that cognitive dissonance creates that leads me to act, to learn, to grow, to try new things, to create. Without it, I would probably do nothing.
I suppose I should be grateful for that. And I will be—I've penciled it in for 5:45 p.m. on my perfect day.
Now playing on my iPod: Somewhere Over the Rainbow, the Judy Garland version, which is the one true version of that song; unless, of course, McKenna is singing it. I like her voice better.